Last thing that i posted was about 2 months ago. I was in a very dark place and I was very suicidal. Well I’m still here. I have found an amazing woman that completely loves me for who I am. She makes life worth living. It had been like 5 or so months since my wife and I broke up. I have been seeing this amazing woman that makes me feel complete and makes me want to keep going with my life. I no longer wish to die!!!! She has been a huge God sent to me and I am so lucky to have her.

I feel so fucking tired of this shit. My life is just getting fucking worse and I feel so obsolete. Wife left me for another girl because I couldn’t love her they way she wanted and she says she couldn’t love me the way I needed. What a load of bullshit, if you didn’t love me anymore than just say so don’t fucking make up some stupid excuse. I tried to be a good husband I provided for you I gave you freedom that a lot of other fucking people would of never done. Now that I am starting to try and get over this shit more fucking drama keeps coming my way. Life just keeps fucking worse. I feel like killing my self everyday and just fucking quitting all this bullshit. God will not answer my prayers so maybe he just doesn’t give a shit or he is not real. Things just keep getting worse and worse and I can’t take it anymore. I’m just stuck here feeling alone and me wife just keeps kicking me down. She fucking left me for a 19 year old girl that still fucking lives with her parents and wouldn’t be able to support her. Shit I must be such a fucking waist of a life if the woman that I spent 10 years loving and had children with leaves me for that. I thought I was a good husband I never cheated on her never hit her u never stopped her from anything she wanted to do. I even gave her an open relationship to make her happy ohh and I was not allowed to do anything because that was my choice. Now that we are officially not together anymore and I can look for some one I fucking still live with my ex because I bought a house with her and she has been a stay at home mom for about 7 years and I cant afford to get a place of my own because I have a shot ton of bills and a mortgage. God must really fucking hate me. So fucking tired of this shit. I rather just fucking die and not exist. Who in their right mind would be with someone with so much baggage. Fuck my life and fuck you Jen. Everyday I fucking hate you more and more. Why am I even writing this bullshit no one really cares about me anyways. Maybe I should just fucking kill myself. Why should I stay in this fucked up life?

I’m starting to realize that I will not find someone.  My life is so messed up right now I don’t know what to do.   My wife and I are not together anymore yet we still live in the same house because we cant afford not to.  She has a girlfriend that I have even invited over and had her spend the night so that she could see her because she doesn’t live that close to us.  I see her talking to her on the computer and on her cell and see how happy she is that I cant help but feel alone and depressed.  I wish I had someone to make me feel like that again.  I realized I have no friends to talk to and only know the people I work with, my family would never understand why i’m OK that my wife has girlfriend since they are very religious and frown upon homosexuality but hell I believe that your born the way you are you it’s just people loving people.  I want her to be happy and if I cant do that then I want her to be with someone that can.  10 years we have been together and it feels like we are just so comfortable that our love has come and gone.  I will always love her since she is the mother of my kids but its very hard to see her so happy and I feel so miserable.  

Life has been very trouble sum as of late. I feel my world coming apart and I cant help but stand their and watch it happen. You see I have always thought about others before my self and I guess that has been the down fall of my marriage. My wife came to me some years ago and told me that she was attracted to girls and she was worried that I would love her less. Of course that was not a problem for me because she is my wife and I promised to love her no mater what came in our path and we would work through it. Well I am the type of person that does not want to have any regrets in my life and would not like my wife to have any either. I could tell that her feelings and curiosity where getting stronger every day. So I gave my wife “permission” I guess you could call it, to explore these feelings and curiosity so that she would not have any regrets in her life. I knew in my heart that she was attracted to woman more than men even though she never really told me till some time later. We have been together for about 10 years and have awesome kids together, and in this time we both feel that we have become more like room mates than husband and wife. She is my best friend and I will always love her…. but I don’t know if i’m IN love with her. I guess we have fallen into such a routine that we are just comfortable with each other. She has fallen for a girl that seems really nice, I even invited her over so that my wife could spend some time with her plus I was curious about her. I guess its my own damn fault that I so wanted my wife to be happy that I didn’t think that this could backfire and hurt our marriage. We have somewhat broken up now… We still live in the same house because we cant afford to separate plus I don’t want to be away from my kids. I can see other woman we agreed but hell what kind of girl in her right mind would understand my situation and would want to be with me. I moved away from where I grew up so that my wife could be closer her her family and now I don’t have any real friends I can talk to and hell my family would not understand that I love her so much that I would let her do this. I see her everyday and it hurts me to think we are over, but I rather it be now than later in life and have her feel resentment against me because we got together young and she never got to experience that side of her self. I would do anything to make her happy even if that means loosing her but I also have to think about myself too I guess. I often think why did I do this to us is it because I don’t love her as much as before. Or because our routine has made me numb to our love. I want her to be happy but now I need to be happy as well. Does what I did seem wrong with the whole permission thing? I would love some input if you have gone through something similar. Or am I just fucked up?

For some reason I cant see some of the notes on my account any one know how to fix?

So addicted right now to this EPIC game I feel like a crack addict waiting to get a fix as I’m at work. Really nice to escape from the crap that is my life right now.